Of all elaborate plans

One more day and it will be another milestone birthday. This seems to be the worst. It is not that the destination is a source for all that is depressing, yet it is the uneventful, unremarkable, torturously bland journey by which I have arrived at this milestone that rankles me so.

As my friend IBJ insists, it is but another number, one that can be played or repainted on or molded into another shape to view as wondrous or insignificant as we please. He actually used more readily repeatable words of “Broa, shut-up. It’s just a number.” However the gist is just as memorable, I can’t focus on the number, but a milestone is reached non-the-less and for my memory being waned or failing I am unable to claim many goals attained by this passing day.

{Each New Year is another year gone for me, some say it is one of those false birthdates listed by immigrants, but whether it be January 1st or July 4th, an other year passes despite, in spite}

It is not so much the day, more the past days. What have I found along this journey, what will be found in my continued quest, and what is my final destination? My journey began more remarkable than it ends, with the obligatory marks set at college degree, employment, marriage, children and the like. Sure there was the brief stint on an illuminated trail, but no revelation, no discovery, no history and worst, no dreams realized. On the eve of a new year, my friend comments that you either are who you want to be or were never meant to be that person. Troubling words. As cryptic as they may be, they will haunt me. What am I? Who was I to be? Is this all? What determines who you are?

Is it even a question of quality of journey verses a value of destination, where is the emphasis? And if the destination is lacking in luster, will the journey fade in brilliance? Conversely, is a miserable trek rewarded? Surely in an after life, but will it in this?

By being who I am now at this stage in my life, it seems that this is exactly who I was meant to be. Or have I missed some turn? Optimistically, the journey has not ended, yet. There may be another turn up ahead. Pessimistically, I will fail to recognize it once more, or be reluctant to take it leading to a far more eventful journey. Then I may be who I was meant to be.

That story can still be filmed,
That book can still be written,
This life can still be extinguished before that turn appears.
Well, another number awaits my arrival, happy birthday to me.

another holiday passing

sorry I can only create strange, unappealing greeting cards, but the main point is may you and you families be granted joy.

37 factors of a rut

1. Got downsized.
2. Got new job that i don't like. same department. very strange how corporations work these days.
3. Lebanon is bracing for another Izraeli invasion. The economy is at a standstill again, former war-lords are still playing games with our lives.
4. The world is still against Palestine, in policy and rhetoric. no human rights for those who need them most.
5. There are so many wars and injustices that i tend to forget a few of them, and it seems others do the same so that those injustices remain.
5. Bush is trying to launch another unjust war, even though the case for is falling apart. They're not even working on their lies anymore, soon they'd say "we're taking over the world, deal with it."
6. Karl Rove has been trying to push blame for the Iraq war on the dumb democrats. This is the craziest use of warped logic ever.
7. Emotionally, socially, politically, environmentally, economically, culturally, humanistically, these are the worst days i've ever witnessed. More so since the knowledge and ability exists for a utopia.
8. The only person i knew who practiced love and justice passed away last year.
9. I don't ever see myself going back home.
10. I no longer see myself as a filmaker.
12. There is so much to think about that I end up crippled doing nothing.
13. I had a vision of my own demise and it isn't pretty, but is it changeable?
14. I have a problem, I know when people lie. But even when they know I've caught them, they lie more. Is that some sort of reconstructed human condition? For me to survive, I have to ignore the lies. That is painful, especially when some of those people are close.
15. there are 37 but I only have the energy to write 14. and missed # 11.

congratulations, welcome to the team

Well, these past couple of months I've been out of touch with a lot of people and of course the blog.
My department at work has been going through re-structuring. We knew we would lose our jobs and have to apply for new ones in the new department.

I survived.
I pretty much have the same job with a bit of change in focus at a different location.

The last thing I wanted when I chose a career as a video producer was to work for a large corporation with goals different from my creative goals, but that is where I find myself years later. I like my work yet working in a corporate environment is torture.

As the old saying goes "at least you have a job" That should not be an end all ambition. The economy in Michigan these days has lead people to believe that any employment is good. Of course, I'm thankful, but am no longer content, no longer loyal, no longer will I put in that extra effort. I will coast as everyone around me has been for years. And save my creativity for where its appreciated. The hell with it all.

There are no advancement opportunities. Life in Michigan is a dead end (without the dead part). "At least I'm alive"

Well now that the agony of waiting months just to see if I would survive this change is finally over, back to life I go.

maybe even more blogging.