12:18am finally they are leaving. Not that I don't like them, I love people, but they have a knack for leaving you alone when you need them and staying with you when you need to be alone. I need to be alone; I need rest. I can't sleep haven't been able to in three days. I was sleepy last night, but she decided to chat, until 6:32am. Wonder why she couldn't sleep? Why was she asking questions that she didn't want answered?
12:32am I wonder if I hurt anyone's feelings? All evening I was sitting watching my guests, not sharing in the conversation. I'm a rude host sometimes. J was just sitting in the corner quietly sipping his bitter sludge too solemn to ask for sugar. L was discussing her career choices and I sensed regret. H was stuck in a dead end job 3,427miles from his birthplace and he didn't know how to get back. I had the answers but chose not to share. I had my own problems.
1:18am I tried to sleep
1:18:32 I failed. The seconds kept on ticking and I watched the seconds hand stutter around the face of the clock. I could hear the click and the gear driving, clicking and the spring snapping about inside one second after the next in a hopeless cycle; tick tocking my existence, slipping a second or two back every hour as did i.
1:38am got up to incur exhaustion watched my show on TV. I love that DVR, I can stop time. The show was good, too good. Made me think even more.
2:13am reading news gets me drowsy, I turned on the laptop. More people die as elitists die their hair, hate the news.
2:16am she logged on. I ignored her, she didn't know. She asked about her artwork and I ignored her. Her art sucked. She asked me and I had to answer "your art sucks" but then put that sophomoric smiley face after my comment and told her we'll look at it tomorrow, I need sleep.
2:19am still can't sleep. But I must admit it is difficult when I'm still on the computer. I surfed my favorite blogs. No one had posted in several days. Where'd everyone go? Do they have lives that they are enjoying? Why can't I? And why am I talking to myself as if to have a conversation with a third person? I already know the answers. Am I schizophrenic? Can't be I wouldn't be aware of such a thing.
2:23am the thoughts attack me, riding the energy of the moon's lure as waves crashing my fragile shore. and my mind deteriorates. severe vengeful thoughts...
how many years lost?
what am i doing here?
why have i cursed the woman i love with indecision?
will i be damned to raise children in a place i don't beleive in?
have i given up on the studio too soon?
should i have taken that job?
why are these nasty nightmares recurring? is that why i can't sleep?
too many deaths this year. too many loved ones lost.
did he die because of me?
why is that bird on my car every morning talking to me waiting for an answer?
too many thoughts spin endlessly into a web of confusion
and the spider laughs at my pain.
2:48am if I don't sleep now, I never will, shouldn't have put that thought into my mind.
2:56am Sleepy, sleepy, no. tossing and turning too many times, it's the pain, the pain just keeps on growing. I focus on it and try to stop it. If I can see it, I can bid it's movement. So I scratch the surface, digging, into my skin as if pealing old lead paint off walls flaking off swatches of bad experiences tearing away until the flesh is exposed and there is only raw muscle. A single cell scurries about a lower vein identifying the source and is searching the path to my brain. It will signal to tell of more pain. I must stop it, I focus on it but it wouldn't hear my commands it can just do its duty to deliver the news. The response is immediate and sleep has escaped me. I wish I could short circuit the node to eliminate the response.
1:56am 1:56am? Damn it! Time slipped back one hour. I hate that. I gain an hour of restlessness, and worse I lost an hour of my life, I'm older and no more tired, just older and helpless, I couldn't take advantage of this hour. Why doesn't the slip happen when I really need it, like when I make a mistake.
2:19am i reach for some relief, into the medicine cabinet i dove as if sure salvation was there. What's this bottle with the label worn off, expired? Can't tell, there is nothing there to help, nothing there because i hate medicine and never bought anything.
3:17am back online. Getting too many invites for chats, damned MSN, never should have installed it. Then California logs on. Long lost friend chasing Hollywood dream. Talked chatted for minutes, promised to visit and so on. Made me want to work on my script.
3:29am script sucks, I deleted it, then regretted it. I decided to search for jobs in dubai. Having family and newly relocated friends their, I think I'll try it. But I kept getting pop-up messages of the evils of the U.A.E. and i can't justify from ghourbi to ghourbi. gotta sleep on that one.
4:12am try again. She's already sleeping, has been for hours. I turn and see her. Her eyes are softly shut. I wonder if she lies about her dreams. She must have dreams as I do. Have I been as supportive as she has? Did I do all I could to help her achieve them? This is a bad time to wake her. I just know I haven't sacrificed for her. She'll never tell me.
4:17am now I'm restless and guilty.
5:27am still too many thoughts, too many unsolved mysteries, too many issues race inside my head for supremacy.
6:11am third night in a row I notice the time at the same point.
6:30am she gets up for work. I pretend to have slept, she doesn't have time this early for my problems.
7:01am I stop talking to myself and sleep...
7:02am alarm goes off. Who sets the alarm for 7:02am. Damn, I did.
I set it to remind my of a story idea. I hate writing.
Off to work, I'll sleep while driving. my car has learned the roads of mondanity
