(the following bit of writing is from a peice I wrote a couple of years ago,
it is part of an epic that will continue to expand and evolve.
The style and structure is an extensive divergence from my other works. any questions?)
Passage Unknown
‘06
Steady jagged edge
Treachery treks down my suited ship.
Boasting episodes of troubled seas spend it whole
The rut’s rot infests prestigious planks and she is compromised
What is the charge for the passage home
To compose her conservation before the sink
And row
And row
To charge my contemplation after the fall
What is the fault with the mounted grief
The gut’s glut plagues exalted minds and spells out our demise.
Ranting mourners for anxious relieve spend me whole
Trading tears near my sinking ship.
Stop journey’s dead
‘73
They came for me in the darkness cast by doubt
Placed me here among the rusted stacks smoking
They took me in the toddling innocent state
Cast me here helpless, life without a spear
I’m losing this bout
No one to hear my raving
I looked east and saw nothing
I lived west and am nothing
My mind grows wearily old with time’s torrid pace
Always running from and toward my passage unknown
I’ve labored the return through washed out bridges
Sinking in the rapids, drowning by the fear
I’m losing this race
In the end, I’m alone
‘00
I drank my dose of reconcile
As they pleaded me do
At gun point
Execute
Intoxicate
I lose my sights
As they need me be
Blind, I no longer inquire
‘83
But for this flight I have been rendered crisp and normal
My conscience drives the reason
And I myself trail my trekking mind
Ever searching truth as illusions lead its elusion
Ever searching passage as it was flushed in a flash
And my passage was lost, too heavy for the journey
My soul’s pestering plea drives me further
But for this fight I am beaten, turned conventional
‘89
I’m searching the Passage Unknown
Not for now, the journey doesn’t end
I am still looking
It draws near to my shoulder resting a cold hand
Caressing my carcass, my skin, pale with decay
Carelessly tugging at the soul it‘s seeking
Its smile turns grim drawing out my faith
I’m not leaving
Not as now the end is nearing
Death waits no longer and I relent
I’ve lost unrealized the Passage Unknown
‘04
Upon my ancient steps on idle streets
The asphalt warmth into me did seep
The mind burdened absent as I trek deep
Into villages reeking of vile concrete
What lay ahead for me lay dead
And my anthology behind for lament
What worlds did you pass for this
To set me free into a void abyss
To weep of longing, misery and ill-fate
Shall I thank you for the freedom served
Without responsibility it is deserved
Is this your land teaching myself to hate
Dreams of promise yet bring my peace
But first a ransom of your life’s deeds
What people made you die for this
Do you believe their ignorance is bliss
13 comments:
hmmm...It kind of reminds of the beginning of the Odyssey by Homer.
Ba3atilak il stuff ;)
this is some serious poetry. you're right, you are a real poet. i guess you and archmemory are both my favorite poet bloggers.
as for this piece, it's a shame to read it now when i'm wiped out. first thing in the morning..
wallah...ur writing is great man....not used to this type of poems...actually not used to any poetry :D bes truly nice writing.
my favourite part is:
‘00
I drank my dose of reconcile
As they pleaded me do
At gun point
Execute
Intoxicate
I lose my sights
As they need me be
Blind, I no longer inquire
:) I relate! I like stuff I relate to!!
o.k., here's the critique I promised.
Your form is becoming more interesting, more varied, as you experiment with it differently in various works. This form here reminds me of a novel titled "Bone" by Fae Ng, a Chinese-American novelist. she allows the plot to freely travel back and forth across her non-linear memory of her life. It's quite remarkable and a fun read. I have it if you want to borrow it. Anyway, getting back to your form: I really enjoyed reading each section and trying to place myself in the time-memory-place-spirit of that particular year that you name, in order to read each particular passage in that frame of mind. I'm no expert, just an intuitive novice writer, but your line form in some stanzas has an ancient, classical sound to its meter, altough you don't follow any particular meter, and then in other stanzas you write in a straight modern way, so i guess each "epoch" or section deserves its own rhythm/style. That works well, because their is still a good unity/harmony across the entirety of the poem.
Your language sounds much more clear and effortless, yet rich in sounds and references, than in your earlier writing. Your specific choices of subjects as well as your invention of places, concepts and events is not too vague, enough that it is convincing, yet has a familiar amount of vagueness that it causes an adequate amount of doubt in one's own memory that it becomes real and sneaks its way into one's head and becomes a memory-legend.
This is a good piece of writing. It should be published. I like it as is, because I am familiar with your/our history, but if you were to send it for publishing, I pose an issue -- what kind of references can you make within the poem, to specific palces/cultural items, even if the refernce is vauge, to attach some "meat" or "real content", in order that the publisher might be more interested maybe if the poem spoke with a particular "voice", maybe? I could be wrong.
One question: Did you write it straight through, in the order of years as it exists now, or did you write the various sections separately, like in chronological order, and then rearrange them so they are in their present structure?
Two question: Which month did you write '06? I know I first read the poem back then, but I just can't remember when.
Thanks sweetness, keep up with your writing.
Mirvat, I'm not as good as I hope and not nearly as good as IBJ. But thanks for the ego boost. I'm not familiar with archmemory, what's the like?
Dareen, you're too kind. Thank you, that section is a favorite of mine too, I'm glad you can relate.
Mr. IBJ. I appreciate your honest feedback, it means a lot coming from the legend.
The dates came in non-consecutive years. I compiled lines I've written over the years into these stanzas. '06 was written six-months after his passing. I tend to go back and forth in my mental state, so the arraingment was natural.
BTW, If you've noticed IBJ, i left a couple of sections out, that didn't fit the flow.
arch
http://archmemory.blogspot.com/2007/02/splintered.html
thanks for the link, curious, why this post.
Nice work my friend, finally had some time out of writing code like you guessed! As of the content, poems usually is driven by experience, I am wondering of the experience that made you write this..but knowing your imaginative style of writing, it s perhaps a form of scene that you created.. There seems to be always a mystery surrounding your writing style, however my guess is that this poem wasn't written all in one shot. The feelings were changed slightly from one part to another
Yes, Mirvat certainly has good taste! ;) I am not familiar with your earlier work, but this is good! I like the terse restrained quality of the writing, the jagged timeline but coherent theme. Very well-crafted! A pleasure to read you!
Mone, the experiences vary drastically, most were from visits to Lebanon and the loss i felt and the forced migration and so on, they were written in different times. The feelings don't change, just the perspective of events in relations to other events. Thanks for the comments.
Arch, thanks for visiting, and yes Mirvat does have good taste, I like her writting a great deal. I'm glad you liked it, I've never published and am not as prolific as you are. I'm surprised that you say it's well-crafted, thank you.
so what s going on everyone is quite all of a sudden...hibernation mode?
quiet I meant!!! not quite
I don't know dude, but my quietness is due to the Diwan conference, I'll post about it shortly.
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